Great. I too know what it was like to come in and stay sober from '94 to 2000 and then get curious when faced with real major clinical depression. I was to proud to get on and stay on anti-depressants. Needless to say I was lucky to get on them and get back hear after nearly five years. It is not easy. But grace can be realized again. I really like your phrasing "a Power Greater Willing." Very assessable; I like that, a lot. Believe this club will be taking off soon. You'll have to maybe post, perhaps comparatively, NA's twelve steps and twelve traditions and what the requirement for membership is, for those of us that might be unfamiliar or have forgotten. I certainly pray this does not become a forum for arguing which program is better. I pray people look for the similarities so that we might better help the acoholic or addict that still suffers and continue to maintain our own spiritual fitness to provide such assistance. I pray for "a Power Greater Willing!" Blessed be.

STEP ONE UNMANAGEABILITY EXERCISE

We can use the spiritual malady references mentioned in the Big Book (page numbers provided) to review honestly the unmanageability in our CURRENT lives. The following are statements that best capture the inner and outer experience of the alcoholic for what is called in the Big Book, "the spiritual malady". The disease of alcoholism has three parts: physical, mental and spiritual. The spiritual part of the puzzle is the deepest part and is sometimes called “the root of our troubles” or “untreated alcoholism” (whether we are drinking or not). These are manifestations of being blocked off spiritually (whether we are drinking or not) & they are basically caused by self-centered fear. The Big Book says on page 62, "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles”. But remember, it then says on page 64, "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." That's why if we JUST stop drinking and DON’T grow spiritually, our inner life (as THE RESULT of what’s listed below) continues to get worse because we haven't dealt with the root problem yet. If you CURRENTLY have unmanageability in the following areas of your life, please consider the fact that you may be suffering from untreated alcoholism (whether you are drinking or not), you may be headed toward your next drink, and you may be closer to a relapse than you think you are. It doesn’t matter so much how long it’s been since your last drink. What matters more is how close you are to your next one. - Barefoot Bill


1) Am I generally restless, irritable (which means “easily annoyed”) and discontented (which means “never satisfied”)? (Page xxviii) YES____ NO____. Do you experience these feelings often? YES____ NO____. Do you feel like you never belong or that you are not a part of, even in AA? YES____ NO____. Are you usually uncomfortable in your own skin? YES____ NO____.
Do you experience an ongoing sense of sadness? YES____ NO____. Do you often feel like “something is missing”? YES____ NO____.

2) Am I having trouble managing my personal relationships? (Page 52) List names of those close to you and evaluate how you are getting along with these people. Be sure to include your relationship with yourself and with the Creator. Include a few examples of how you treat perfect strangers or those who can’t do anything for you. __________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3) Am I having trouble controlling my emotional nature? (Page 52) Are most of your days best described as emotionally up and down? YES____ NO____. Evaluate yourself on how you manage your emotions. Are you managing them or are they managing you? List five or six of your emotions and ask yourself questions about them. (Example: Anger. When I’m angry, what do I do? What do I say? How do I behave? Do I have the ability to get over it without harming myself or others? Do I become silent and not talk to anybody for hours, days, weeks? Do I stuff my anger? Is my health affected by my emotions -do I get a headache, stomach problems, etc? Continue to ask yourself these kinds of questions about your behavior with other emotions like: love, fear, guilt, shame, excitement, jealousy, envy, greed, lust, etc.). _____________________
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4) Am I prey to misery and depression? (Page 52) List areas of your life where you are miserable. ___________________________________________
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Does misery show up when you don’t want it? YES____ NO____. How do you get rid of misery? _________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________.Do other people cause misery in your life? YES____ NO____. If so, who and how? ___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.How has depression affected you? ____________________________________
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How much of any given month are you depressed? ______When you are depressed, do you have trouble getting out of it? YES____ NO____. Do you withdraw or go into hiding? YES____ NO____. Would you rather sleep all day then “show up for life”? YES____ NO____. When depressed, do you fantasize about the following: Wishing you were dead? YES____ NO____. Wishing you were somebody else? YES____ NO____. Wishing you could have a drink? YES____ NO____. List examples of misery and depression from your experience. ______________________________________________________
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5) Am I having trouble making a living? (Page 52) How are the major areas of your life not in balance? In other words, how is your life going? Is there balance? List examples of your experiences in the following areas: relationships, marriage or dating, getting ahead, finances (including credit cards), education, spiritual health, physical health, recreation, are you overweight, are you able to get or keep a job, have you had a routine medical check-up recently, etc.
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6) Do I feel useless? How do I manage this? (Page 52) Do you ask yourself, “Why am I living anyway?” YES____ NO____. When you try to help people, do they take advantage of you? YES____ NO____. Do you feel like a martyr or victim? YES____ NO____. Do you know who you are? YES____ NO____. List examples from your experience. _____________________________________
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7) How do I manage fear? (Page 52) List some of your fears. When are you usually in fear? How do you act when you are afraid? With each fear, ask yourself if it is based in reality and if it is as a result of self-reliance instead of God-reliance.
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8) Am I unhappy? (Page 52) When you are unhappy, how do you act? How do you manage this feeling? Could you be described as positive and upbeat? YES____ NO____. When you say that you are doing well, do you know deep down within that you are lying? YES____ NO____. List examples from your experience. ______________________________________________________
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9) Am I of help to other people? (Page 52) When was the last time you brought someone new to a meeting? ______Do you include your number on phone lists for newcomers YES____ NO____ or do you think that you have nothing to offer? YES____ NO____. Every week, do you reach out to someone in need or in pain (in AA and outside of AA) and expected nothing in return? YES____ NO____. When you try to help others, does it turn out as you intended? YES____ NO____. Or do things turn out negatively? YES____ NO____. List examples from your experience. __________________________
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10) Do I think I know what’s best for everyone? Are you often like the actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in your own way? Do you believe that everybody, including yourself, would be pleased and that life would be wonderful if only they would do as you say? Can you sometimes be quite virtuous, kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing; yet at other times be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest (depending on which will work in getting your way)? Are you often a victim of the delusion that you can wrest (which means “to take away by force”) satisfaction and happiness out of this world if you only manipulate well? (Page 60-61) YES____ NO____. Do you spend a lot of time getting frustrated when others don’t behave the way you think they should? YES____ NO____.

11) Am I driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity? (Page 62) Do you often wonder why you do what you KNOW you shouldn’t be doing and don’t do what you KNOW you should be doing? YES____ NO____. Do you have trouble showing up on time? YES____ NO____. Although you may not be currently drinking or drugging, do you have other “addictions” (other areas in your life that are out of balance or out of control)? YES____ NO____. If so, list examples from your experience.
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12) Am I an extreme example of self-will run riot, though I usually don’t think so? (Page 62) Do friends and relatives often say that you are selfish even though you don’t agree? YES____ NO____. Do you end relationships only because the other person doesn’t act the way you think they should? YES____ NO____. Are you a “team player”? YES____ NO____. Do you spend most of the time thinking of yourself instead of thinking of what you can do for others? YES____ NO____. Is your motto “what’s in it for me”? YES____ NO____.

13) Am I leading a double life? Are you very much the actor, presenting to the outer world your stage character, which is the one you like your fellows to see? Do you want to enjoy a certain reputation, but know in your heart that you don't deserve it? YES____ NO____. Are you under constant fear and tension because of this, worrying that you may be “found out”? (Page 73) YES____ NO____. Are you lying to or keeping something from your sponsor/spiritual advisor/recovery network? YES____ NO____. Do you usually do what you say and say what you do? YES____ NO____. Are you involved in relationships (romantic or illegal) that you shouldn’t be? YES____ NO____.

14) Am I like a tornado roaring through the lives of others? Do you have a habit of breaking hearts, sabotaging sweet relationships, and uprooting affections? (Page 82) YES____ NO____. Have you avoided making amends to your family and those closest to you? YES____ NO____. Do you have difficulty keeping friendships for more than a few months? YES____ NO____. Do you have a habit of pushing people away? YES____ NO____. Are you pursuing newcomers for something selfish instead of only helping them in their recovery and spiritual growth? YES____ NO____. Do co-workers, family, and fellow AA’s find you unapproachable? YES____ NO____.

15) Are my selfish and inconsiderate habits keeping my home in turmoil? (Page 82) Are you more interested in your own needs and wants than you are with the needs and wants of your family? YES____ NO____. Have you made amends to your family but continue the behavior you originally made amends for? YES____ NO____. Do you sometimes hide away at meetings to avoid responsibilities at home? YES____ NO____. Do you spend “quality time” with your spouse/family on a regular basis? YES____ NO____. Has anyone in your household recently said to you, “The only person you ever think of is yourself.”? YES____ NO____.


After evaluating these areas, can you now admit that even though you may not be currently drinking, your life is unmanageable? YES____ NO____.